Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.
Clearly y'all must love me then?
The past few weeks have been sort of a write-off for me. Usually by the time spring rolls around, I'm starting to feel energized and optimistic after what is usually a long, cold winter. This year, I feel tired and overwhelmed. I can easily identify any number of factors that are contributing to my current streak of 'can't get off the couch-itis'. Maybe the fact that spring is only beginning to arrive in the Maritimes is prolonging my seasonal malaise, or maybe my completely unstructured existence is wreaking havoc with my energy. Either way, I find myself frequently angry, feeling sorry for myself, and frustrated by things that are beyond my control (and out of the hands of those who care about me). I have a list in my head of things that I should/could be doing, yet I conveniently avoid these things. I should have 'procrastinator' tattooed on my forehead. I've been eating poorly and haven't done yoga in far too long. I'm watching too much t.v. and am not reading and writing enough. I'm horrible at sending and returning e-mails but spend hours on flickr. I've been reading blogs but haven't been taking any of my own photographs. I have been knitting and doing a bit of sewing, but don't have much to show for it yet.
In a nutshell, I'm feeling extremely unproductive. I've become a master of avoidance. I dread searching for jobs because it means confronting what I already know in the back of my mind -- I'm not qualified for the types of jobs that I want. Despite having a masters degree, I can't even get an interview for a job that pays more than ten dollars an hour. I've spent a lot of time quietly wondering how I got to this point. After eventually deciding that I don't think I want to pursue a PhD. (something that I always thought was my end goal), I now have to figure out what it is that I want -- because lord knows that being on the dole isn't a sustainable life choice. I guess part of me is scared that I will start a new path and that won't work out either -- that if what I thought I always wanted isn't right for me, how am I to know what will bring a fulfilling career.
This week the weather has started to improve and I actually dug my camera out from under a pile of clothes and started taking pictures again. I'm feeling a bit more energized and optimistic. I'm still overwhelmed and lacking energy, but I'm working on it.
1 comment:
My heart goes out to you, I can empathize with how you feel. I went through a similar transition five years ago and now I am in the same place again as I try to re-invent myself and move towards what will hopefully become Lucky Career #4. (Or is it #5? I have lost count, it's been a brutal ride. Oh well.) I am feeling exactly all of the things you describe in your post.
BUT...remember this, and it is truly important. You are a smart, beautiful, and very talented woman. You will find your way, you have a lot to offer. Live one moment at a time. When you feel down or overwhelmed, only think about how you are going to get through the next five minutes while still respecting and being good to yourself. (Sometimes this requires a little tough self-love where TV and the couch are no longer options - but knitting while listening to new music from the library, reading, etc. are all permitted choices.) If it means taking photos for a few minutes, and it turns into the whole day, do it, and don't feel guilty. I think there are answers in those types of experiences where we feel fully engaged even if our inner world is in chaos. It is imperative that you be gentle with yourself so you can hear what your heart is telling you.
Ever consider working for yourself? Carving out a living and happy existence doing the things you love to do?
Anyway, not trying to be a preachy sister-in-law, I know I don't have all the answers, just thoughts. Heck, I barely know what I am doing most of the time. However I hope you find a bit of comfort knowing you are not alone. Hey, and the new issue of CRAFT is coming out on Apr. 24th! So at least there is some good mail to look forward to! (I can't wait!)
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