in which i attempt to distract you from my angst with a pretty flower

Today has been a day of procrastination avoidance. My one day off for the week, I had ambitious plans. Thoughts of work kept invading my day, though. It's been a hectic and stressful few weeks. I'm in the process of fighting for a promotion that I'm not even sure that I want. I know that I'm capable of the work, but the events of the past few months have left me worn out and unenthusiastic. The new position almost assuredly means more stress for only a small pay increase. But given my current position, the prospect of even a slight pay increase tends to overshadow other considerations. Extra cash is extra cash. Except that it's not that easy, of course.

Tonight, I'm meant to be working on a self-appraisal, outlining what I've accomplished over the past six months, what I'd like to improve upon, and why I'm fit for promotion. The truth is, though, that this process of reflection isn't really having the intended effect. Instead of dutifully working on the appraisal this afternoon, I did everything else I could think of that didn't require me spending time alone with my thoughts. I went grocery shopping and ran a few errands. I did some six loads of laundry. I knit. And watched a movie. I puttered around the apartment and tidied moved things from place to place.

In the end, the apartment is not any visibly cleaner or neater than it was twelve hours ago, and I still haven't even looked the evaluation forms that are sitting on the coffee table. All that I can think about is how writing down the events of the past six months, and speculating about the next six, makes real the gnawing feeling of being trapped. I can't help but think that if I really liked my job and really wanted this promotion, I would have filled the forms out last night, instead of waiting until the last minute. Instead, I worry that the longer I continue down this path, the more difficult it gets to leave it.

I don't expect anything to change over night, but the increasing awareness that I need a new direction sooner rather than later weighs heavily on my mind at this juncture. I'm confused and anxious, wary of taking on a position just to prove a point, both to myself and my superiors. Of course it doesn't help that I haven't managed to make any progress on the goals that I set out for myself a few weeks ago. I'm keenly aware that a few sessions of yoga over the past few weeks would have helped to clear my head. A persistent coled knocked me on my ass last wee and I'm only beginning to get back on track.

Oy, if you're still reading, sorry for all the rambling. I had hoped that writing this would help me figure things out a bit, but I'm still not quite sure what's what. Maybe a glass of wine, some jPod, and intense staring at forms will help me find some direction?