confessional

Calling me a lapsed Catholic would probably be an understatement. Yet growing up in a religious town and spending countless Sundays at mass has left an indelible mark on me, no matter how far I stray. Finding myself living in my hometown again after several years away stirs up a whole whack of strange feelings and small surprises (which are sometimes good, and sometimes bad). And to call the town religious is sort of a misrepresentation. Spiritual doesn't fit, really, nor does dogmatic. I wonder if faithful is the right word. In the end, religious just seems the best choice, but it doesn't immediately convey the complexity of the dynamics at work here. I see far more shades of grey than I did growing up. Funny what a little distance and a whole lot of perspective can do for you.

I didn't intend to start on a long discussion about religion or faith and small town life. All I meant to say was that I can't shake the Catholic guilt. So, while I always detested the confessional and the whole act of confession (I can't quite shake the memory of a priest chastising my ten year old self for missing one week's mass), I feel like I must make a confession here.

Okay, maybe I'm being melodramatic.

It's just that I keep making grand proclamations of productivity and then fall flat on my face. I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is not my strong suit. I guess this is where the guilt comes into play. Even though I know that getting rest and partaking in relaxing activities is far more important than worrying that the house is messy, that there are dishes to be done. But I want these things to get done. It's not simply a sense of obligation. And the less that gets accomplished, the more frustrated I get. January and February are awful in terms of energy levels for me, and long hours at work the past few weeks haven't helped. My days are fueled by tea and Easter candy (holiday-wise Easter has the best candy). Time at home passes in a blur and I have little sense of how to account for lost hours. I have little piles of stuff started and abandoned all over the house.

I keep going back like some internet stalker to this post of Anjali's that resonates very strongly with me. If I had a dime for every person who told me to 'smile' or 'cheer up' over the years. You'd think by now that I'd have figured myself out a bit better. Yeah, I'm still working on that.

The one thing that I have managed to be consistent with lately is Project 365. I've turned out some awful photos, but I've also got some decent shots, I think. One of the deals I made with myself was that I wouldn't edit any of the photographs that went into the the 365 set. I wanted it to be a sort of documentary, the bad with the good. As a result, I've shot some days in black and white. Normally, I'd shoot in colour and use Photoshop to desaturate and adjust contrast on the image. Most photographers will tell you to never shoot black and white using digital as it's so easy to do the editing. But some days felt like B&W days and since I wasn't doing the editing, setting my little powershot to the B&W setting was my only option. Sure, I've lost the chance of having that shot in colour, but if I was shooting with film I'd have to make similar choices. Either way, there's something so special about black and white photography.



Anyway, I'm really starting to geek out on photography and 365 is really helping me learn and see things in new ways. I can't articulate things yet, but I'm quite happy with some of my results. I've also started to play around with Photoshop Lightroom, which is far more user-friendly that the larger PS edition. And since I'm all about the photography geekiness, if you're a Firefox user (c'mon make the switch), check out the PicLens add-on. Very cool.